Your relationship with that special someone plays a
large role in your life. First, you have to find Mr. or Ms. Right and
then take the time to develop the skills to build the relationship and
keep it going. And, because no relationship is without some conflict,
you need to know how to resolve the disagreements that crop up — and
using Dr. Kate's Make-A-Deal method, you can actually grow closer as you
work things out!
How to Find a Relationship
If you're looking for love, you know it can be hard to meet
someone you want to have a relationship with — especially given the
constraints of modern life. Use the tips in the following list to
determine the best way to meet that special someone given your
circumstances:
If you have more time than money: Try
running a personal ad — offline or online at any of the numerous dating
sites. Because you write/post the ad, and contact/screen responses, this
process takes time, energy, and good judgment. But it's usually less
expensive as a result.
If you have more money than time: Try
offline dating services — the personal matchmaking type, where someone
else does as much of the work for you as possible. The service recruits,
interviews, and screens everyone, and based on knowledge of both
parties, selects and often arranges the first date to streamline the
process and eliminate any rejection hassle.
If you have lousy judgment in people or have chosen unwisely in the past:
Stick to an offline dating service — the personal matchmaking type,
especially one that offers you feedback from your dates and helpful
advice. The matchmaker who interviews, screens, and selects potential
mates for you may be more objective and effective, and there's an
easy-to-follow paper trail for added security and safety.
How to Build a Relationship
Getting involved in a romance is the first step toward building a
relationship that lasts. If you're looking for a long-term love, the
tips in the following list can help you develop your attraction into
something deeper:
Keep the relationship reciprocal, especially
in the beginning, so you can keep the balance of power — and resulting
feelings — even, too.
If you're female, try to let your partner
lead. If you're male, most women will prefer that you lead — so don't be
afraid to do so.
Be cautious about sex early in the relationship. Know what you're risking, and if you choose it, go into it with your eyes open.
As you get to know and trust one another,
move gradually and slowly from being strangers to being lovers. Don't
ruin the relationship by trying to make the jump in one — or a few —
dates.
Use thought-stopping to avoid fantasizing
about a future with someone you barely know, and to help you keep your
emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, and time actually spent in the
relationship in sync.
How to Make Love Last
Everyone knows that it's much easier to start a relationship than
it is to make one last. If you've found your special someone, keep your
love alive with the tips in the following list:
Make it special and nurture emotional
intimacy: Share feelings, thoughts, and experiences with one another
that you don't share with others, and keep your communication healthy.
Share healthy, fun-filled sexual experiences only with one another to promote sexual intimacy.
Remember that good communication is Superglue
#1, and good sex is Superglue #2. Use both generously and often to bond
tightly with your mate.
How to Use Arguments to Improve Your Relationship
Every relationship has conflict — arguments and disagreements go
hand-in-hand with love and affection. But with Dr. Kate's Make-A-Deal
technique, you can settle disagreements
and grow closer in the process. Just follow these steps:
Make a date to talk about the problem, choosing optimal time and place.
Ask questions about your mate's
thoughts and feelings first and throughout discussion: "How do you feel
about . . . ?" "Are you saying that . . . ?"
Keep reflecting back as long as your partner shares new info: "It sounds like . . ."
Express empathy and support: "I'm so _____ (happy or sorry) for you." "I hope that everything goes better tomorrow."
Agree with whatever you can agree with: ("I agree that . . ." "I can see that . . .")
Alternate/take turns doing steps 2–5: reflective
listening, asking questions, facilitative agreement, supportive
statements, and positive reinforcement.
Deal time! Brainstorm and pick a
compromise: "Okay, so it sounds like we've ruled out ______ and ______,
and we both seem to like ______ better. Why don't we try that this week,
and get back together next week — same time, same place — to see if
we're both happy with it?"
Evaluate compromise at a later date and compromise again if necessary.
Agree to disagree or rediscuss if you
can't find a suitable compromise: "It seems like we both have strong
feelings on this topic, and we're not going to reach any agreement
tonight. So why don't we just agree to disagree for now, and get
together next week — same time, same place — to talk about it again?"
List agreements and leave on an
upbeat, friendly note: "Okay, so we've decided that we're going to
______. Thank you for making time to talk about this and for meeting me
halfway. I really appreciate your time and effort tonight. I think we
did great!"